DEpendence. INdependence. INTERdependence. Know the Difference.
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We are going to get a little complex here today, kinda detailed today but the payoff is grand. I hope you will stick with me as we explore three states of being, a couple of life lessons, and how they can usher in some very positive change. In fact, knowing about these three states will enable you to see where you might be, and if you wish, make some changes.
DEpendence, INdependence, and INTERdependence: three very different states of being.
First up is DEpendence.
Second is what many will see as the opposite of DEpendence: INdependence.
Third is the idea of INTERdependence, one we don’t talk or hear much about.
While these three concepts are of different states of being, some might say they are different levels of acceptance. Or preparation. Or savvy. Or a barometer of ease.
As I further describe these three concepts you might ask or measure yourself. Where are you among them? Can you see where you have been, perhaps? And where do you think we need to be as we age?
DEpendence
Dependent people need others. Whether sometime or all the time, it is what it is. This is not a blame-situation; however, a problem arises when we can – but we won’t, and overly so.
This category may also include people who “sort” from the outside. These are the people that things “happen to.” They are rarely doing; they are reacting to whatever comes at them from the outside. There is no looking inside for their power, no initiating. Many but not all look to others for right or wrong, good or bad, are the reactive but not proactive types. It will all work out, it always has; if it doesn’t, then that is (my) fate.
INdependence
The people that “sort from the inside” are most likely to be our INdependent folks. They are generally more proactive in nature, more focused upon what they can do rather than what happens to them. Some can become overly independent, as was my case. Early in my years I got the reinforcement or praise from my family for being “so independent.” After a while I went overboard while seeking that praise, it became my thing.
Self-sufficiency was my M.O. of the day, starting with making my own breakfast and out to bus stop early, or being the tomboy that I was and staying gone all day, off on a bicycle adventure of some sort. On the coattails of that life, a good life, the not asking for help followed until I took it too far. Soon, in my mind, to seek help was to show weakness.
Overly independent people are very averse to losing their independence and control, but isn’t that also a familiar and prevailing theme as we age, too? You have likely witnessed (or maybe even said it yourself) when someone says “I don't want to be a burden.” It is an honest statement, but my hunch has always been that those same people don't want to be DEpendent upon others.
Now, I am talking in generalities here, and trying to describe and not categorize, however there is one more important and happy state: INTERdependence.
INTERdependence
Have you ever really thought about INTERdependence, what it is? It means being interconnected. It is a situation when two or more people depend upon or affect one another in ways that will influence the other. There is connection, reciprocity, and mutuality, and with everyone gaining because of working together. In a nutshell, it is living in Community.
From this discussion and your thoughts of these three states, do you know where you are now? Or where you have been previously? Is there a state that you need to head toward?
This is the way I think. “Continuum thinking,” I call it. I've moved between all three of these states in my lifetime. I didn't even know where I was during some of it, I had not yet identified those three states. When I did, I realized I was moving along a continuum. Not always moving to the right or in progression, mind you. In my life I have gone back and forth among these states.
I do know when I arrived at my optimal one, INTERdependence. I tell the story about that in my blog from May 2024. You can read that blog, or watch a webinar where I was interviewed about my journey from (stubborn) INdependence to INTERdependence, but I will hit the highlights of my transformation as follows.
Suffice it to say that I was an overly independent person. Hey, I came by it honestly. I was a little kid who got herself up, made herself some cereal and was out to the bus stop at 6 AM every school day. (I really was after my pick of the seats; my stop was the first for our driver, and we hustled to sit in the coveted back seats. Yeah, tryin’ to be a cool kid),
Anyway, I was continually praised in my childhood for being independent. With that positive reinforcement why not continue that behavior? What happened next was that independence became a thing of pride. Never let ‘em see you sweat, you know? In my mind asking for help would be a sign of weakness.
It was in planning for and in recovery from a surgery when I learned (or maybe was forced to learn) the two biggest lessons of my adult life. I had to Ask For Help, and then I had to Accept Help.
Here I was, having moved to a new state at the age of 66, and I knew no one. I had not built much of a support system yet. Stuck, to my own detriment. INdependent to the level of Achilles Heel, I say!
My one friend, my airbnb host-turned-friend, stepped up to help. My Ask felt monumental in my estimation; her response was a good-naturedly “It’s what we do.” (She was already living in INTERdependence).
So I did (ask), and she helped. And I let her. Wow. A Wow nobody felt but me.
Asking and then accepting are two important and two entirely different endeavors. It was an emotional adjustment for this prideful gal. Most of all it has been the realization after the fact that surprised me: I realized I had gone from INdependence to INTERdependence, quite naturally, and that little-but-big journey has indeed been the ticket to success.
It was astonishing to realize that through it all I didn’t lose ME. I still made all my decisions, called the shots, as it were. INTERdependence enabled my continued INdependence. (<< Read that last line again, won’t you?). I had gained a framework of options and love. How about that?
And if all these life passages were not enough, the Face Sheet Tool was born out of this process. (Want a free download? Click here).
I see many people moving through these three stages every day. Personal friends, loved ones, clients... all of us.
The minute Janet picked up her phone to call a friend, either for help or to offer it, she was entering INTERdependence. She was living and learning those lessons (Asking for Help, and Accepting Help) or likely became an integral part in someone else’s journey with her offer to help.
Clarice logs on to find and learn more about senior care matters, possibly beginning the move from DE- to IN-or INTER-.
Patricia attends a talk by a senior service professional about an aging or care topic. There she meets some people, soaks up some strategy, or identifies potential MicroBoard members or situational helpers.
When Joe volunteers he is inside INTER-. When you and I volunteer we are extending ourselves in service, and meeting like-minded people (not to mention paying it forward).
If we witness someone stuck or stubborn we know they are, for some reason, in DEpendence or (overly) INdependence.
John refuses to entertain the idea of moving, ever.
Clarice won’t tell anyone she is struggling.
Calvin thinks his military smarts will get him through anything.
Daphne is too proud to admit (even to herself) that she will eventually need some help.
Gabriella refuses to see a neurologist despite the urgings from loved ones.
Jackie doesn’t know where to begin, and shuts down in overwhelm.
My hunch is that you know or have seen some of these folks.
If you’ve not yet put two and two together here, INTERdependence is where you are when surrounded by your MicroBoard, your team. “In Community.” It is a place of strength, some readiness, and it also a place of giving, and purpose. Some might even declare it a place of savvy. Yes, arrival there may exemplify some thought and action. It can demonstrate emotional growth (the ask for help - accept help journey) underway or accomplished.
In that story of Nancy needing surgery Nancy had just moved to SC, a state where she did not know a soul. Nancy, the stubborn, independent, and Patient Advocate-Nancy had it all squared away: she’d established her medical providers and sought information necessary for her upcoming surgery. But she needed a way to get there, and support afterwards, as well as a point person to fan out information to her VIPs (very important persons).
She arranged that, smugly, but it was in going through surgery and aftercare that Nancy realized she had just encountered two bigger life lessons. Asking For Help and Accepting Help. Those are two topics, each worthy of their own consideration and blog! .
If that weren’t enough, Nancy realized that with those lessons and while seemingly on cruise control she’d moved into INTERdependence. Nowadays she is often heard to exclaim: “I had not lost ME, nor my independence. I flourished by way of INTERdependence!”
No matter where you may find yourself on this continuum of DEpendence and INdependence, and even INTERdependence, my direction to you is to pursue or foster INTERdependence. That's where the strength is, and that is where you will likely find the most and best options for living.
INTERdependence is also where the lessons are, and where both the Give and the Take can blossom! You see, I'm also a firm believer of “putting in before you take out.” Believe me, in this life we are all going to be met with times to take out, so putting in first seems like the right thing to do.
DEpendence, INdependence, and INTERdependence
Know all three. Know where you are. Head for INTERdependence. Contact me if I may help.
Nancy Ruffner is a patient advocate who provides strategy for aging, healthcare navigation, and solo aging. Nancy consults with clients in a triage fashion, offering one-hour consultations to find a path, gain a deeper understanding of “How Stuff Works” in eldercare, or to specifically problem-solve.Schedule your 1-Hour session now, without obligation of commitment or continuing costs.nancyruffner.com.