Belief First, Strategy Next: Unlocking the Secrets to Successful Aging
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It has become evident to me that strategy (the stuff I love so much) cannot be developed unless there is a belief that something is possible. Today I am talking about the need first for belief followed by strategy to get where we want to be. And belief that all this aging with success stuff is doable.
We can get there. We can have and enjoy success and that is by way of strategy. Are you intrigued?
You can, I can, we all can progress through the challenges of aging with greater success. I want you to know it and to feel it. In your bones.
The challenges we might encounter have remedy. There is solution, and strategy to get there, however belief that it is doable must be a cornerstone.
In my work I am often asked the same questions about aging: How To, What If, When Do I, and more. You know what? I am never disturbed by that. It lets me know where folks are with their thinking or their actions and that's just fine. Everybody has their own path (even if you’ve not yet taken the first step).
I do a lot of reading for my work, often online, in forums and other social media where people are asking the same questions, every day, week and year, and that's good, too. I think to myself “Good. They are seeking.”
Sometimes I find myself reading the responses from others, those who are trying to assist or are taking the opportunity to hijack the query by sharing their own debacle. Both are helpful in a weird, twisted sort of way. Debacle will help you to know bad things that happen when you leave your back door open, if you know what I mean.
Whenever we avoid or simply "have not" (aka a ‘Yet’), or don't know how to proceed with a matter then that, to me, is a question: What do folks need to know?
My thoughts, my response?
I can help with aging matters, the Whats, and the Hows.
Many folks find themselves in the same challenge-boat, and judging by volume I'd say it's normal.
These questions often represent Yets, and I am so glad that people are asking. That is a "W" in my book, a WIN ( those of you who know me know that I love to celebrate at every opportunity)!
Admittedly I do begin to read those forums and helpful articles to review the suggestions and advice that well-meaning folks offer. Not all are helpful, but how could they be, with only a paragraph of scant information and a plea? And of course, the answers may have some state-to-state implications and laws, and we all realize that what works as resolution for one may not work for another. As I read I will find my anxiety going up, wishing to respond yet knowing I'm not exactly the guru sitting on the mountain top here, rendering wisdom that will work 100% of the time.
This is interesting: In more than a few instances, when I have weighed in to an online discussion, I have received some pushback from the others there in that I work in the aging-eldercare industry. There are folks who think I am trolling their forums and looking for clientele. (Not true, but it is a real head-scratcher to think about questions being posed to complete strangers, ones that could or should be answered by an expert, yet a remedy may be rejected because sender is one). So, I diplomatically back out). I can't solve everything and I can (I must) choose my battles.
My message today is to say, and to have you understand (and feel and know in your heart of hearts) that all this aging stuff is doable.
I want to impress upon you and to build some safety, that you and your loved ones are likely quite normal, and we simply need to learn and experience some things in order to gain the savvy.
Think about it. When you entered your elementary school cafeteria for the first time you knew nothing about how it worked. Where to go to get the food, what choices you might have (depending upon your grade level, and privileges, or cash flow for extras) where to sit, all of that. Even then you were likely looking at the more experienced: the older kids, a guiding teacher. By the end of the first week, you understood the process, and by the end of that year you knew what menu items that you really liked or disliked. You gained that savvy and likely formed some strategy.
I used to make a special effort to sit next to one girl in particular on the days they served those coveted peanut butter chocolate oatmeal no-bake cookies. She did not like them, and I sat next to her hoping she would give hers to me or we could trade something. Selfish strategy, but an achievement nonetheless.
So, we apply those kinds of experiences to successful aging and strategy. We'll go through some things and we will learn from our experiences. We can learn from others and listen to helpful advice or instruction. Most of all we can take what we need and leave the rest.
Another ‘most of all’ in Nancy’s book would be using what we know to help others. I went into patient advocacy and opened my own small business in 2013 in response to seeing struggle and to share what I had learned. I have declared many times that if I could help someone avoid that “ARGHH!” -feeling, that sense of overwhelm, and help them to find the key to their situation then that is what I must do. I trust and hope that you will do the same.
Remember in a recent segment my mention of the smug feeling I got during the pandemic from simply making my bed? We were all under Stay-at-Home orders and unable to control where we could go and what we could do. We had no point of reference for this COVID-thing and what would happen to us. I realized that this odd-good-welcome feeling that I got from starting the day with making my bed enabled me to control that which I could.
You can do that for your future, starting now.
Now, a few things about that good-welcome feeling. I realized that I had a strong desire to control that which I could, to head toward a desired outcome. Secondly, it was within my wherewithal to do, and then to feel good about it. (It was, in retrospect, a “W,” a WIN, and me creating a WIN during a trying time in my life).
I submit to you three reasons that people worry so about aging:
Fear - of what may lie ahead, known, and unknown
Guilt - Perhaps they are not doing something they can. (Enter ‘shoulds,’ the guilt from not doing, and the eventual snowballing that comes from denial or lack of action).
The need for information - Having a desire and ability; they simply need to learn The How. They need information, instruction, and guidance.
It has been my experience that remedy is often found in perspective. Try telling yourself
I am normal in my challenges.
Plenty of folks have and are experiencing this.
There is solution. There is help.
There are plenty of professionals and personal citizens that are actively helping others, every day. In my opinion the vast majority do so for the right reasons; they are not there to sell us nor take advantage. It is people helping people, and that feels right, too.
Strategy is learned and gained. Lab rats gain strategy as they press levers to get more sugar water, and so do people when navigating a complex healthcare system or selecting their attorney or insurance, whatever. We have the wherewithal and can do it. We can go toward a good and desired outcome.
Aging with success is truly doable (I am pounding this into you today). There are portions that must be learned. Perspective plays a part.
I invite you to consult with me for needed information and guidance. If you've been following my posts for any period of time then you know that I never pass up a chance to impress upon everyone that
We can all have a say about how things will go and where will end up.
That's why I talk about How To's and strategy and having agency. I do so because it is there for the taking, and you are normal to want it or need it. Let’s develop your strategy and pursue your solution.
I hope something I've shared today helps you to move comfortably more forward in life.
Nancy Ruffner is a patient advocate who provides strategy for aging, healthcare navigation, and solo aging. Nancy consults with clients in a triage fashion, offering one-hour consultations to find a path, gain a deeper understanding of “how stuff works” in eldercare, or to specifically problem-solve. Schedule your 1-Hour session now, without obligation of commitment or continuing costs. nancyruffner.com.