51- 49, When Change Hangs in the Balance
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change /CHānj/
Noun 1. the act or instance of making or becoming different.
We are drilling down today, exploring a tiny but significant intersection in each of our lives. We are going to look inside change.
Now there’s big change, like what we are seeing right now in our country and the globe. There is aging change, and change that will occur in our aging bodies and our minds. There is also emotional change as we roll through the punches of life. A lot can go amiss here, and that can alter or determine the course of our lives, along with changing options and outcomes.
Today is about meeting change. Change we want, change we don’t, changes we should make, and changes that we do not (yet) know how to make.
It really doesn’t matter whether they are our decisions to change, or reactions, and “shoulds.” I am leading us to that tiny little intersection of “Here it is.” Right before me, and “How am I right now, in this moment?”
You and I have all been there, I’ll bet. That moment, that stitch in time, when we are trying to weigh change.
I’ve thought a great deal about this recently. Because we are all IN change and will be (for whatever reasons) I wanted to better understand my decision making when in that moment of decision to change.
Maybe the way to go about meeting change is to learn what makes us tick, how we arrive at, greet, meet, or maybe not -change. That point of HERE IT IS, (and where are we?).
Why do I want to talk about this with you? I’m glad you asked.
As a patient advocate my work has all been inside change. To coach and build safety toward the inevitable (change), and help folks to navigate. To recognize change is here and to be ready to discern it with savvy toward the best outcome.
I am talking about change today - partly in response to the countless articles, so many years of writing and reading all those How To -articles and messages. I've put out my share, and so have thousands of other well-meaning professionals.
Change is a ‘Comin,’ on that we can all agree. How ready do you wish to be for it, for your own advantage? I believe that we simply must KNOW ourselves better.
During the time when I was avoiding any change, I'd be the first to tell you that there was not going to be any. Nope. As a result of avoiding it, denying it, and not knowing myself (what makes me tick), some poor outcomes followed.
I believe that we will be better off when change is staring us in the face if we know what makes us tick. How we meet, how we respond.
Over my professional years I've heard stories of
Nope.
You can’t make me. (Try and stop change, will ya?).
Can't.
I can't because.
I could never.
I will after XYZ.
I don't know how.
I don't know how to begin.
If you take another look at those words or phrases above you may find they are fear-based. We humans do not like change, es-specially if it involves the unknown.
Sensing fear, and having the desire to build safety for those moving through change, well, that makes all the writers and the helpful professionals like myself double down, work that much harder. Roll up our sleeves! Tell him again, tell him in a different way! (I have done that, worked hard. More on that in a minute).
Then we factor in those learning theories, like the one that tells us we must hear or read or be exposed to something eight times before it ever sinks in (I'm paraphrasing here). Or, “When the student is ready the teacher appears.”
That student-teacher phrase is not without merit. We have got to get the student ready.
When change decisions are at hand
I did some reflecting upon what creates the right climate for Nancy to change. Examining my past, I've said Nope. I've said “I don't need to“ (when change was sorely needed, that's called denial, huh?).
I and I suppose many of us have made those At Last -changes when in enough pain. When the cost became much greater than the gain. When we were backed into a corner, or our pants were on fire, you get the picture. But for me those really hard, scary, expensive, life-threatening (or altering) changes came about when I had to, absolutely had to. The no way out, a backed into the corner -situation.
We will meet with change frequently while aging and we see it in dire elder care situations and circumstances. We will send “players” into the game, some of which we hired! Physicians work on our behalf, attorneys do, mediator, care managers, and family counselors who all work on behalf of the person, or their loved ones, or any of those invested in reaching the best outcome.
Why does it all have to come to such a head?
I thought more about change and Nancy-change, and what I am learning about the conditions under which Nancy will change. In my history I have responded in a number of ways: the dire MUST, when my **s was in a sling, and other times I'll change if it behooves me.
Wait a second, here's an important notion! Perhaps change should come when we're Moving Toward something and not Moving Away from something.
Back in the day I was consulting with a trusted friend about what seemed to me to be a life trajectory decision. The circumstances were not good. We were boiling it down to the kernel aright, and she said those wonderful words to me: “Are you moving toward or moving away?”
That question kinda got me there, to that place. A place to access my moral compass. A place to make a decision, and it was mine alone to make. Gone were the Shoulds, and I Cant’s and the I Won’ts. Just me and change. And I made my decisions.
Let’s explore this notion of Moving Toward: When there's a payoff and advantages for that change. Building on that idea of change we can decide to employ strategy (and intellectually or ego-wise, Nancy is attracted to that). And how about logic? Logical change, yes, something everyone could get behind or might even admire.
There are other perks about Moving Toward. How about having more options than you otherwise might? You all know that I tout “living in the solution” and am very positive-oriented, and so moving toward sure sounds like the way to go now, for me.
There may even be more benefit, more payoff? Like saving me money, or time? Oh yes, now that we are stacking the positives this change is looking good. If it's shrewd or the result of savvy and there are accolades to be had, money saved, better outcome, and I feel good about it, why, this change must surely be the way to go.
What do I do in that moment, when I am right there at change?
I have agreed (with myself) to stop in that moment, when at that intersection, and think. It is about reflecting upon myself and what is making me tick.
A moment is not too much to ask of ourselves, is it?
When I am right there, I will pause to consider “What am I about to react to? Is anything pushing or pulling me? Am I Moving Away from or Moving Toward?” in this moment.
Let’s apply that now to the decisions or intersections during aging or solo aging: More options could mean a better cost when it comes to housing or healthcare. Or more legal options lend themselves to better long-term solutions.
For me, whether personally or professionally, it is research to find and weigh all the options and select the one that seems right for me and my circumstances. I am an Eyes Wide Open kinda gal. That's real power to me. In fact, that the more educated I am about anything, including knowing what makes me tick, will surely result in better decisions and not waiting until that aforementioned arse-in-sling presents itself will surely mean more options and likely better outcomes.
Is This Help or Distraction? It depends.
All along those knowledgeable, well-meaning, helping professionals (I have been one of them) have been jumping up and down about what we must do, should do, and can do, really have something to teach us.
Without even realizing it I have fashioned my practice around this notion, the notion that means coming to fully understand something helps me to seek remedy. Admittedly and for me, the thrill of the hunt, the education and learning something holds value. It's the savvy, and strategy, and logic and yes, some accolades if I have been able to teach others or empower them.
I spend a lot of time building safety for folks I am working with. Some of that is the celebration that you hear me speak of so often, and much of it is simply your willingness to be present and learn. The ‘learn’ uncovers the options, the safety is felt or realized, and the decisions seem to come more easily, and assuredly.
I will not be another one of those finger-shaking professionals that deliver to you all the Shoulds. “If you don't do this-” then something bad will happen. That could be considered as Moving Away From however it's certainly not Moving Toward.
We can’t fight fear with fear. We can’t say “Move out of that unsafe tri-level condo before you fall and break your hip! You will surely be sorry when you wake up in a skilled nursing facility forever!” We can certainly learn from, reflect from the ITTT (If This Then That). Some people call that history, or likelihood. It may be useful to take history and what is known about a scenario into account.
I believe fighting fear with fear to be an old approach, and ineffective for many. I'm done with that. I can tell you the WHYs, and build safety, and I can professionally journey with you. I am the training wheels and the guard rails for many. And I can do all that until I am blue in the face. Ultimately, a decision to change begins inside each of us.
It’s personal.
Our actions, our moments are very personal and in their execution are decisions that only we can make
When it comes down to it, that moment that we encounter change up close and personal, we can better know ourselves. We can be in readiness in how we meet change, and know ourselves enough to take that moment.
A long time ago when Big Change was sorely needed for me, I spent a lot of time trying desperately NOT to. Come to find out I was fearful, fearful of even of the right decision! I was Moving Away from. I had “put a pin in it,” as they say. “It's not that bad,” or “I'm not as bad as that one over there.”
To provoke change a trusted counselor give me reading material about change (and I consider that reading, as a last-ditch distraction). The material was about ‘Stages of Change’ . I read that there are Stages of Change: Precontemplation, Preparation, Contemplation and then Action. While reading all that I was able to place myself among those stages, undeniably. I was out of logical reasons to remain where I was (and the pain was greater than the gain of remaining there,) and the only direction visible to me was forward. Time to Move Toward.
I did, and I've done it plenty of times since. And I know myself better now in that I am Move Toward-oriented now, for the most part. Yes, I encounter (or manufacture) delays. Yes, there is some procrastination at times. Do I bargain with myself (meaning “If I do this then I can do that”)? Yes, I do, continually.
Boiling it down to only you and change
As reasonable as it may seem at the time delay, procrastination, or bargaining can hold us in the Problem.
While in the Problem we still have a big, fat window to see Solution. The Toward. And while you and I are procrastinating and bargaining and delaying and anything else we can throw at change we cannot stay in that room of Not and Won't and Don't and Can't forever. The window is too bright.
Even with all I have mentioned so far today we ALL are going to get there, to those moments. To that place of decision involving change. All of us. Multiple times.
Drill down with me now to that moment, that little moment when you are standing right there with change. Do you recognize your influences, are they valid, good, and bad. Are you at what I call the Moment of 51-49? (That is when you are at 50-50 and you must create – by way of decision – a 51-49. Decision made).
Are you sitting on a decision now? Are you recognizing some of what I am describing? How well do you know yourself , what makes you tick, in the moment? What finally enables Moving Toward change, for you?
Knowing what makes us tick, so as to Move Toward: that’s my food for thought today.
My job must stop being one of providing you with all the answers. Rather, I see it as one to provoke (emphasis on the “pro”) or to evoke change. I can help you to navigate it.
Let's talk it over. Contact me if ever I may assist you or someone you encounter in Moving Toward.
Nancy Ruffner is a patient advocate who provides strategy for aging, healthcare navigation, and solo aging. Nancy consults with clients in a triage fashion, offering one-hour consultations to find a path, gain a deeper understanding of “how stuff works” in eldercare, or to specifically problem-solve. Schedule your 1-Hour session now, without obligation of commitment or continuing costs. nancyruffner.com.