Would you rather listen instead? Click here for the 11-minute audio recording.
If ever there were a blanket statement, “I Don’t Want to Be a Burden” is one of ‘em.
Think for a moment about when you have encountered that said I Don’t Want to Be a Burden. When do you hear it? What do you think people really mean when they are saying it?
Have you ever given this any thought? I know you’ve heard it, read it, and maybe even said it yourself. What is the underlying message?
Is it a knee-jerk phrase whenever help is offered? When change is at hand?
I spent some time thinking about this because it is another of what I call “familiar intersections” of caregiving. Or aging. Turns out I Don’t Want to Be a Burden can have many meanings.
Polite – saying it simply to be polite.
Stall – put something out there that is expected, that no one will question, while angling.
Deflect – I don’t wish to discuss this so let’s look at that.
Stop – Puttin’ the foot down (ending the uncomfortable conversation).
Let’s take a closer look.
Polite
Here is where I envision the demure delivery of I Don’t Want to Be a Burden by someone with eyes cast downward or off to the side, a hesitant-sounding person. I realize this may be my southern take on things, of what I have witnessed or nearly a cartoonish Aw, Shucks -reaction, but I have a definite little video-in-my-head which is triggered when I hear this phrase).
The party may confide “Well, I Don’t Want to Be a Burden, I don’t want to impose…” Said politely, or they’re just saying it to be polite. It has become an expected phrase, to hear, and to use in response. A pat answer, if you will.
Plus, the person may really want or need the cajoling. This may be an invitation in reverse. They may welcome the fuss, the kindness or the bailout, acknowledging the need, or a wish to revel in the sunlight of your help.
Stall
(Inner voices)
I need time here to devise a message that I am unprepared or to prepare or allow myself to accept help.
I don’t want you to see me, to know that I am unprepared.
I am not ready (for this) but you don’t need to know that.
I have my pride.
A person may not know yet what it is that they must shore up but they feel like they must say something, and they’ve heard something akin to I Don’t Want to Be a Burden before. It’s like they’re expected to say something, so say that. Others are mortified and realize in that moment that their back door is open or they’re in real trouble (or they could be, in an instant).
Deflect
It can be a case of Deflect (often so as to defend).
I Don’t Want to Be a Burden buys valuable time. It presents a segue to change the subject. Most times when deflection is used I find that the person wants to have control of their situation – which is not at all under control- but this conversation could be.
Many folks want to have it figured out or think they have it figured out. Some have plans in place for the given situation. Some folks don’t know that they don’t have control and are accepting destiny (they will find out when they fall short).
Demure Defection, a hybrid of Polite + Stall + Deflect means saying I Don’t Want to Be a Burden buys time, can fend off further inquiry, or circumvents the offer to help or to become involved. Demure deflection works (it’s an art form, I tell you). We now must consider whether to confront our matriarch or patriarch.
Stop
Stop is stop. Helping hand smacked (many times the one that feeds us), foot down, heels dug in, an absolute NO. ‘Ever been on the receiving end of that kind of a Stop, and from a matriarch or patriarch?
There are articles and entire books written about Deflection and Stop. One is the famous and comical-but-not book by Roz Chast with its title Can’t We Talk About Something More Pleasant? A great read, I recommend it, especially if you like books in which you may, er, recognize your own tendencies and those of the people you love.
When a flat NO is delivered it could very well indicate that there is no plan in place. Solutionists like me know how to spot this stuff.
A Common Thread
What do you think the common thread among all the above points might be? I think it is Fear. There is an element of fear in all of what we’ve been exploring here.
Fear can stop people from learning their options and making decisions, and from putting plans into action. It is certainly present to varying degrees Fear comes and goes, seemingly at will.
Fear can be a long find, like a shower that turns into a set in rain. We begin to live with it.
Fear that you saw it, my hesitation, or vulnerability, or will see it. Gotta keep it together (truly for) appearance’s sake.
Fear taps energy. It then feeds, and we seem to diminish.
Fear can masquerade. Fear can be projected. One can be reacting from another’s bad experience or family debacle, and all of that can seem real.
Fear can be real. For example maybe you’re afraid someone in your family will take control of you. When we recognize fear we can harness that as cause for action. Flight or fight!
Fear discombobulates. In the case of solo agers the fear is real, as there’s no one to help in their estimation, not until they have addressed their needs and put a team in place. Until they have built community (and safety).
Do you know what stops Fear? A plan. Suredness. Forethought (and contingencies if we’re smart). Safety. Knowing.
Your mama or your loved one is not just saying the words I Don’t Want to Be a Burden. Some careful conversation is at hand to uncover what this statement may really mean.
Remedy
I Don’t Want to Be a Burden signals one of the most frequent intersections that many helping professionals or helpful loved ones will encounter. We can learn to recognize that and look beyond, beside, and beneath that statement for what is really being said.
So many people go from “0 to Fear” in a matter of seconds. I liken it to encountering a Venus Flytrap. Sometimes we don’t know when we’re entering the minefield, but we surely know when we are there.
More conversation will make way for the careful assessment that could confirm or deny your suspicions. It is easier said than done to have that conversation in a non-confronted, supportive manner. We don’t want that fear to cause somebody to clam up nor to become stuck in overwhelm. But the situation is likely screaming that a plan is needed.
Burden–Some (in this case meaning sharing the burden)
It helps to sort things out with someone and to create or revisit a plan. It is in keeping with my guiding truth:
Why not go there? Invite and engage conversation to work out whatever is presenting. Involve the other party. Build safety, create that plan, together.
If you wish to talk over the situation and learn how to better navigate in conversation then I invite you to talk it over with me.. Find out more about that when on my website or visit my calendar to book your consultation at a time that is good for you.
I Don’t Want to Be a Burden. The next time you hear it, consider what is really being said.
Nancy Ruffner is a patient advocate whose focuses include aging strategy, healthcare navigation, and solo aging. Nancy consults with clients in a triage fashion, offering one-hour consultations to find a path, gain a deeper understanding of “how stuff works” in eldercare, or specifically problem-solve. Schedule your Power Hour now, without obligation of commitment or continuing costs. nancyruffner.com